So in honour of Birth Trauma Awareness Week, I thought I would share what I have learnt from having a traumatic first birth with my son (trigger warning for this post - please read with care). I wasn't a doula nine years ago and I truly thought having a relaxed, go with the flow attitude was a good thing to do. It wasn't.

I didn't know enough sadly. I very nearly did a hypnobirth course first time around but couldn’t quite warrant the investment at the time. If only I’d known what I know now and how that course might have given me the vital information to take more control of my birth.

When my waters broke early ahead of my due date, it led to a long and difficult induction with a cascade of intervention. I can remember being really surprised my waters had gone as there was only trickling, not the gush like in the movies and I kind of didn’t believe the midwife, who confirmed that they had in fact gone, in triage. I was sent home to go into labour in the next 24 hours but I remember feeling very anxious and not sleeping well. To cut a very long birth story short, my labour didn’t start on it’s own so I had to be induced and it ended in my sweet little boy being pulled from me with forceps which left me emotionally and physically broken. Sadly, I also didn't get any support with this postnatally and my trauma followed me into motherhood.

Looking back I think if I had sought help, I probably would have been diagnosed with postnatal anxiety and possibly even PTSD. I was overwhelmed, very anxious and struggling. It was so hard but because I wasn’t used to looking after myself back then and definitely wouldn’t have found it easy to ask for help, I suffered in silence apart from the odd meltdown to the hubby when I couldn't take it anymore. It's not like I faked it either, I didn't look 'together', I fully embraced my vulnerability. I went out without make up everyday having always put on a little bit at least, I forgot to eat, I was permanently exhausted, in a constant state of high alert which I have now learnt to be hypervigilance due to the trauma I experienced but I just thought, keep going, it's normal, motherhood is just this hard. And I did get through it but WOW, was it tough.

Absolutely not what I thought first time mothering would be like. I did have some very honest friends but their stories barely scraped the tip of the emotional iceberg with my overwhelm in mothering my son. He was the best thing to ever happen to me and I spent my days absolutely petrified.

I think your first birth delivers you into motherhood...it is literally the gateway to your mother self. I can usually tell the mothers who have had a hard time at birth and those that had a positive experience. One seems empowered, in tune, the other feels bereft, vulnerable, unsure of themselves...they're also grieving for the birth they wished for.

There is an upside (apart from my gorgeous son obviously). It led me to this, becoming a doula. I hoped I could support women at this life changing time so they could have a better experience than me, so they could feel empowered into motherhood. This helped me too, to go on my own long and explorative journey where I got to debrief my first birth with many different amazing women and I also got to see it in different ways from different perspectives. Even now writing this I feel more removed from it than I ever have. Time really is a great healer, especially if you seek help.

Before my second pregnancy, I needed help. I knew I couldn't experience that level of anxiety again. I went to the GP, explained I didn't want to take any drugs (just my preference) and luckily, without question (thank you), he referred me for some CBT sessions. In just four magical sessions, my symptoms came way down and I got signed off. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I’m not saying it’s as easy as having a few CBT sessions. I had already reflected, explored, debriefed, journalled and sobbed my way through my difficult feelings but there is so much support out there for you if you’re ready to do the work. And it is work. Uncomfortable, hard, challenging, upsetting work but so so worth it for you and your relationships. My trauma was affecting my relationship with my son, my husband and those around me.

My trauma really truly lifted when I experienced the Three Step Rewind Technique for the first time. A gentle and holistic way to process your trauma through a form of debriefing and a hypnosis script which can help disconnect the memory from the negative emotions associated with it. I have now trained as a practitioner in this and you can read more about it here if you’re interested.

I believe our emotions are so tied up in our physical selves. I look back now and I think I was resisting motherhood in a way. The huge change, the huge responsibility and my body resisted it too. So I literally got dragged into motherhood. Not the best place to start. But I got a second chance and I grabbed it with both hands and all my heart.

I took everything I learned from my first birth into my second. I read everything I could, I did hypnobirthing, I used my first birth as a guide, I attended births as a doula, I hired a doula and I realised IT WAS ALL MY CHOICE. EVERYTHING. I now call this radical responsibility, owning all parts of my birth even the ones at the time, I felt had been done too me, I had to own those too so I could take my power back. Like I said, it’s definitely work but the reward is HUGE. I also realised my feelings, my instinct, should never be underestimated. I FELT EMPOWERED.

My daughter was born into her Dad's hands at home on a sunny afternoon. My labour was gentle and then my body took over and roared me into motherhood for a second time. The power I felt that day is indescribable. It was a force bigger than me. It was love in it's purest form. Love for myself, for my babies, for my family and for our future.

my happy face complete with massage ball indentations ;)

I LOVED maternity leave the second time around despite now having two hearts to hold. I could trust myself again. It took a lot of work but I got there. And you can too.

PLEASE if any of this resonates with you, seek help, talk to someone, talk to me, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

So much doula love

Jenna

x

If you need to seek help for birth related trauma, these websites are a great place to start

www.makebirthbetter.org

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

https://traumaticbirthrecovery.com/

Jenna is an experienced birth and postnatal doula working in Surrey and South West London

earthside, my online postnatal guide for new mothers is only £15 during the month of September