the fourth trimester
So you may have heard this expression before or it may be brand new. The fourth trimester refers to the first twelve weeks of your baby’s life. This time is so pivotal because it’s when you’re new to motherhood and your baby is new to being earthside and this period of adjustment is HUGE.
It’s called the fourth trimester as it’s viewed as an extension of pregnancy when your baby still needs as much safety and comfort as the womb. They’re having such huge development leaps in this time, they need you ALL THE TIME. Which is intense but necessary.
Being with you, has so many benefits. They feel more secure mainly, their brains actually develop faster because they’re not having to worry about where you are, their bodies grow softer, held babies are deliciously pudgy soft babies which leads them to be more flexible and great movers, basically in a nutshell they feel loved.
The fourth trimester helps us understand why babies behave the way they do in the early weeks. In the womb everything was provided for them so easily, it was warm, safe and dark and they couldn’t be any closer to Mum, than inside her.
When babies are born, it’s like a massive sensory overload. They’re experiencing everything for the first time, breathing, the air, the cold, not being inside Mum’s belly, other people touching them, noise, being moved around, the list goes on.
When I think about this time, I think it’s so important to get behind your baby’s eyes. There’s a beautiful book called The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff who does just this in some of her paragraphs. When you get behind a baby’s eyes, you see how vulnerable they are. Their needs can only be met by you and the only way to communicate their needs is to be settled because they’re met or crying because they’re not and there is nowhere in between.
The first twelve weeks with your baby will be so hard and intense and overwhelming but there is lots you can do to take the edge off. You are learning how to be a mother just as your baby is learning how to be in the world, we can’t expect this to be easy or happen ‘just like that’. But please don’t fear this time, it’s a huge period of growth where you get the gift of setting yourself free. You get to let go of so much ‘stuff’ that isn’t actually important and focus on what is. I often hear Mums say, ‘I haven’t even thought about work’, ‘the house is a mess but I don’t care’, when it used to be so important but their heart has shifted now.
A common experience of the fourth trimester is ‘I can’t put my baby down’ which is how babies are designed. It’s a survival skill for babies to wake when out of your arms. This goes way back to when babies were born in caves with saber tooth tigers lurking round every corner. See the thing is, our minds have developed in the last few hundred thousand years but our bodies haven’t. Our physical instinctual programming is all still there. Babies need to be held, it’s that simple and that hard.
All your baby really wants is you. Your touch, your warmth, your smell, your heartbeat and they feel calm. That’s why a baby will nap for hours on you but just minutes in their cots. And it always surprises me that no one ever thinks maybe the baby knows what they need, you, but instead we try to fix ‘the problem’ and assume there is something wrong with our baby. A different cot, a warmer sleepsuit, a side sleeper etc etc but maybe, there is nothing to be fixed.
We’ve been led to believe they don’t want us basically because of consumerism and lifestyle. The more gadgets to hold your baby, the more it sinks in they shouldn’t be held. Outdated but overused sayings such as ‘you’ll make a rod for your own back if you never put that baby down’ enter your head as well as mothers being busier than ever with unrealistic expectations of what we ‘should’ be doing during mat leave.
Some of you will be craving a routine and wondering how to get your baby into one. I think it’s helpful to think of you and your baby finding your rhythm during these first twelve weeks rather than a routine. So much will change on a daily basis that sometimes a baby led approach to your day can really help ease the pressure on yourself. Maybe you’ve organised to go out for a coffee but the baby wants to keep feeding and you’re getting later and later, it’s ok to cancel or invite your friend to you. While you’re establishing feeding, it’s good to let it lead even if it’s just for a short time.
I also fully understand that everyone’s lifestyle is different and times have changed and women do need to put the baby down sometimes and even if you didn’t need to, you might want to.
I’m hoping through this guide to give you practical tools to really support you during this time and some honest expectations of what life with a new baby is like. Most mothers are having a hard time but because we don’t see it, we think we’re the only ones. Please know you are not alone and it is so brave to be vulnerable. Lots of new Mums feel too much pressure to act like they’ve got it all together but what we desperately need is more openness that we don’t.
It’s also good to know what is common newborn behaviour because there’s a good chance it won’t match some of the things you’ve heard or read and when they behave differently to your expectations, it can make you feel like you’re doing something wrong…but of course you’re not, you’re learning each other all the time and all babies are different as are all mothers. And of course this is simply a guide, if you think something isn’t right, you follow that instinct, even if everyone else tells you it’s fine, listen to yourself. SO many times, Mums are dismissed with, oh it’s fine but if it doesn’t feel fine to you, please seek the help you need.
Normal newborn behaviour during the fourth trimester
Waking often all day and all night
Having periods of awakeness through the night
Feeding often, WAY more often than you might think (their tummies are tiny and take what they need when they need it, feeding them on demand helps them follow their own pattern of digestion and keep your supply healthy - feeds do space out in time)
Fussy evenings, feeding constantly, pulling on and off the breast called cluster feeding (more on this in the breastfeeding section)
Crying, really crying when they have their nappy changed (sensory overload for these little ones - it passes). Some babies prefer being rolled on their side when they are being changed, than having their legs lifted upwards as it can squish their tummy. Most babies end up loving this activity once they’re a bit older. If you have boys, a wipe or cotton pad over their willies can protect you from wee in the face ;)
Wanting to be held, ALL THE TIME
Not going down in their cots (it doesn’t feel like you)
Wanting to be rocked and bounced A LOT
Having tummy aches from wind, trouble with poos (their little tummies are maturing every day, it will improve)
Sleeping a lot in the day, being awake at night (reverse cycling, they have no circadian rhythm at first)
Being sick or posseting when milk comes back up, it’s usually not as much as you think, muslins at the ready!
Explosive poos, where do you begin? Did you know that baby vests are designed to be pulled down over the baby’s body rather than their head, that’s why they have the overlap at the shoulders.
Having days when they feed and fuss constantly and you question everything - usually linked to a development leap or growth spurt, WONDER WEEKS is a fab book to follow their leaps and know it’s all normal and will pass.
Not being able to console them sometimes - they could be over tired and overwhelmed, it’s ok to pass them to someone else so you can both calm down.
There’s so much out there about how to ‘fix’ your baby but please know, a lot of early motherhood is about learning their needs and responding to them as best you can, going with their flow can help you feel more relaxed each day.
the fourth trimester
What expectations do you have of this time?
Are they realistic?
In what ways could you make this time easier for yourself?
So what does the first week look like?
Copyright of The Minimalist Doula 2020