Relationships…
I think something that is not talked about nearly enough is the impact your new baby will have on your relationship with your partner. You are adding an entire new love of your life to a partnership that is really close. So you’re going to feel some difficult differences. Having a new baby will keep you both very busy and some couples have described it to me as they just miss each other. There’s no real time for one another which creates a distance and a bit of disconnection, you are checking in with each other so much less. Unless of course you make that time but in the beginning everything is so overwhelming and such a blur, it’s unlikely that you will. However if you can, even just going for a short walk alone together while a trusted friend or family member watches your baby, the head and heart space could really help.
Lots of couples say to me, we’re fighting more than ever. And I’ve definitely been there too. You are so sleep deprived, hormones are all over the place, you’re most likely overwhelmed and things build up. It’s natural to need to put them somewhere and sometimes that is in the safety of your relationship.
I was told about a really amazing organisation called hand in hand parenting who organise listening partnerships where you can download your feelings on to a complete stranger and just get it all out, so you can put it all somewhere which often leads to feeling less resentful and overwhelmed.
However you manage this time with your partner, know that you are going through an enormous transition, adding an entirely new tiny person to your dynamic at home, it’s going to take some adjusting to. Everyone is having these struggles, you are definitely not alone.
Something that can really impact on the relationship is what’s called the mental load. The mental load is the ‘thinking of everything’ part of your new family life. And this thinking usually falls with the Mum. I think because in most cases the mother is home for her maternity leave, the main responsibility falls with her for a while as she is doing the majority of the child rearing and the partner can fall into a more sidekick role than a partnership. This can be tricky to navigate and can add strain to you both if you’re feeling overwhelmed with all the thinking and your partner is feeling left out. Bringing awareness to this, having open conversations, going easy on each other and talking through what would help each other could ease this time.
If it feels more than the newborn phase settling in period then you may want to seek further support. Lots of couples get counselling to help them through trickier times. Relate is a good place to start but there are lots of organisations or you may want to get a recommendation through a friend.
I always say to my friends who are earlier in the journey than me, HANG ON. Hang on in there because you are in the trenches of challenge right now, you’ll come back to each other.
So what about other relationships? Friends and family? Yes these relationships do change. Some will become far stronger and closer as they step in to help and others will become more distant as you enter different phases of your life. Some of my personal friendships really changed and it was a bit of a shock but I realise now, that this is ok. Some friendships will change but it also makes room for new ones through your baby groups or in other areas of your life and that’s special too. I always think you only need one special friend to be around on mat leave to make the time so much easier…
And what about the relationship with your baby? So personal and so unique to every mother. There’s no way I can explain to you what your particular journey will be like but what I can say is it is a journey and it is a relationship, one that will last a lifetime. It’s ok if it doesn’t feel like you thought it would. You might not love your baby straight away. You might have such tough days sometimes that you don’t like them. And you’ll have other times where you’re bursting with love you simply bawl all over them. It’s your motherhood, noone else’s and it’s ok to feel what you feel, go gently on yourself.
So the biggest and most profound relationship shift you will experience is the one you have with yourself. You are going to internally go through the ringer in such a way, that you will never be the same again BUT IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY.
The trouble is while these shifts are happening and it’s a long process, you will wrestle with it and you will want to hang on to your old self. She doesn’t disappear completely by any means but you learn so much through this process that how could it not change you? Change your beliefs? You’ll let go of what no longer matters, priorities will change and your heart will grow for your baby and for yourself. Motherhood has taught me that I matter and that’s it ok to put myself first sometimes and that is the greatest gift of all.
So when all these internal whirlwinds are taking place, be kind to yourself, celebrate all the good in your day and let the rest fall away. Enjoy getting to know this new you.
Relationships
Can me and my partner find ways to communicate how we’re feeling regularly? What is important to us as parents?
Can I view my role as a mother as more of a relationship with my baby than a job to perform? How would that change things?
How do I respond to personal change? How can I prepare myself a little more for this time?
So the relationship you have with yourself is about to be changed in a big way, let’s take a closer look…
Copyright of The Minimalist Doula 2020